Silvia Brothers: Folks' Jolks

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got Alzheimer’s
This little piggy went to market

The detective tried to calm down the hysterical lady holding the bloody golf club, standing next to her dead husband ... he said, "Calm down ma'am ... just tell me exactly what has happend."

She drew a breath and started to calm down, saying "He just made me so mad, that I lost my temper completely and just started hitting him over and over and over again. I'm not sure how many times I hit him, but put me down for a five."

I was walking past the local mental hospital the other day when heard the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13!

Curious to find out what was going on, I tried to look over the fence but it was too high.

I saw a gap in the fence so I looked through it - one of the inmates poked me in the eye & then I heard them shouting 14, 14, 14!

An elderly women knocks on the door to the Hell's Angels headquarters.

A large, burly man opens the door and says, "What do you want?"

The woman replies, "I want to join your motorcycle gang."

The man says, "So I suppose you're going to tell me you actually own a motorcycle."

She says, pointing, "You bet I do. That's my hog parked right over there."

The biker says, "That's a fine machine. Do you actually drive it?"

"You bet I do," says the woman. "I ride like the wind, with no regard for the law whatsoever."

"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The woman says, "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples a few times."
__________________

This blond woman believes milk can make her younger so she says to her milkman, "Give me 25 pints please, I'm going to bathe in it" He asks, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

She says "Nah, just up to my neck, I'll splash it on my face."

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would then allow traffic to resume, once again.

The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

On their honeymoon night, the blond is getting all sexied for her catholic groom, when he says, "Honey I'm sorry I can't. It's Lent."

The blond replies, "That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard! Who'd you lend it to, and for how long??"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman sits down, fuming. The man in the next seat asks, "What's the matter?"

"The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You don't have to take that."

She says, "I don't?"

He says, "No, you go right up there and give him a piece of your mind! I'll hold your monkey."

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Q: How does Alfred Hitchcock keep his pants up?

A: ... ... Suspencers

A man stayed out way too long drinking, and at the end of the night he threw up on his shirt. He knew that his wife was going to kill him. His friend put a Ten dollar bill in his shirt pocket and told him to tell his wife that a homeless man did it and then gave him the money to have the shirt drycleaned. When the man returned home that night his wife saw the shirst and yelled at him. He told her about the homeless guy and the ten dollar bill. She said "this is not a ten, it is a twenty" He said, "Oh yeah, he crapped my pants, too!"

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said "No, just a watch."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

When Joe found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,
"Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million
dollars, you don't give a penny to charity.

Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the
United Way ?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,

"First, did your research also show you that my
Mother is dying after a l ong, painful illness and she has huge medical
bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair and
Is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to st ammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten,
Says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."



And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes
you think I'd give any to you?"

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?' "

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

She sat by him, and he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what?”

“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

He murmured, “I think you’re bad luck---get the #%&! away from me!”

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.
"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"He named your son Denephew."

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other.

The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it freaking look like it?"

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole ,
just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish , Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer , then thoughtfully says ,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."